The Red Bull

Nonchalant and reluctant, “pompous” my dad used to yell, slowly, gradually I gathered a series of “had I known” moments, now, as I write this, I whisper to myself “had I known” and with that, I bite my tongue, with my head plunged downwards in shame, uncertain of which excuse to give. It all seems flimsy now, unnecessary to say the least, because you tried to tell me, you always tried to tell me.

It wasn’t that I didn’t want to listen, or that I had no regard for your views or experience, or maybe that’s exactly what it was, I was bull-headed, determined to do things my way, face the demons of this world on my own, and to hell with advise or words of wisdom.

I have almost arrived at the conclusion that I’m destined to learn life the hard way. My personality has always been full of arrogance, stubbornness, and the sheer will to jump in, both feet at the deep end, and squirm. It’s why I need you, I am tormented by my own negligence, my own weakness, my own deliberate fault.

Through the years, you have stayed, not through obligation at this point, it can only be through genuine care and desire to see me succeed, but time and time again I overlook your input and insist on my own selfish ways. You are selfless, amazing, competent and trustworthy, and I see that, but I’m usually too willing to immense myself in my own Sphere of existence, to somehow be willing to create numerous “had I knowns”

You watch me from a distance, knowing that I’ll come to you at some point, with dull eyes and heavy lips, and you’ll know exactly what happened, and what’s worse? I’ll know too. My demeanor will be heavily laced with shame because of the way I have trampled on your good advice and ignored countless warnings.

It’s probably funny to you now, how many times I have stormed off, blinded by the certainty of my own rightness, and wandered blindly into troubled waters.

I wish I had known the effects my actions had on you, how frustrating it must be to constantly battle my pride and ignorance as I set off again, marching into combat, with my boots untied and all the wrong artillery.

I wish I had known…sooner and with more clarity, the depths in which the flaws in my character ran, which have led to huge chasms in the person I am

I wish I had known…how much it mattered to you that I heeded your warnings, took you seriously, and acknowledged the wisdom of your experience.

I’m learning now,

Perhaps too little too late, or perhaps you’ll still be able to see the blows to my false, ridiculous ego, and decide I’m not a lost cause. I’d love to feel like less of a lost cause.

I’ve spent so much time ramming myself into brick walls, I have forgotten what it feels like to not see myself as the prick who keeps doing it. It’s so easy to revert to ranting and self importance, too easy.

I’m trying to tame those wild cards in my character, to become humble, heeding, more accepting and (if not compliant, then at least) willing to entertain your views and give them some consideration.

I am sorry for all the aggravation, for all the times you’ve rolled your eyes, all the times I’ve proven incapable, unequal to the situation, for all the times I’ve come back with another mess of my own making, I’m ready to learn, to try to grow up now, and thank you, THANK YOU, for all the times you’ve borne with me and for not having given up on me.

I hope you’ll still give me your advice,

I hope you’ll notice the change,

I hope you still want to be part of the process of my becoming.